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Quotes by Jack Handey Deep Thoughts


"Playing dead not only comes in handy when face to face with a bear, but also at important business meetings."
By Jack Handey Deep Thoughts
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"To me, it's always a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, 'Hey, can"
By Jack Handey Deep Thoughts
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"If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like I am now."
By Jack Handey Deep Thoughts
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"Whenever you read a good book, it's like the author is right there, in the room, talking to you, which is why I don't like to re"
By Jack Handey Deep Thoughts
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"I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be h"
By Jack Handey Deep Thoughts
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"I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs in my brain, because later you might think you're having a go"
By Jack Handey Deep Thoughts
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"If you go flying back through time, and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye co"
By Jack Handey Deep Thoughts
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"You know one thing that will really make a woman mad Just run up and kick her in the butt. (P.S. This also works with men.)"
By Jack Handey Deep Thoughts
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"I remember how my Great Uncle Jerry would sit on the porch and whittle all day long. Once he whittled me a toy boat out of a lar"
By Jack Handey Deep Thoughts
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"You know something that would really make me applaud A guy gets stuck in quicksand, then sinks, then suddenly comes shooting out"
By Jack Handey Deep Thoughts
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"Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window The guy looks out it, and if he leans too far, he falls out. Wait. I guess that"
By Jack Handey Deep Thoughts
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"Children need encouragement. So if a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way, he develops a good, luck"
By Jack Handey Deep Thoughts
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"Here's a good thing to do if you go to a party and you don't know anybody First, take out the garbage. Then go around and collec"
By Jack Handey Deep Thoughts
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"How come the dove gets to be the peace symbol How about the pillow It has more feathers than the dove, and it doesn't have that"
By Jack Handey Deep Thoughts
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"Somebody told me it was frightening how much topsoil we are losing each year, but I told that story around the campfire and nobo"
By Jack Handey Deep Thoughts
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"One day one of my little nephews came up to me and asked me if the equator was a real line that went around the Earth, or just a"
By Jack Handey Deep Thoughts
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"Even though he was an enemy of mine, I had to admit that what he had accomplished was a brilliant piece of strategy. First, he p"
By Jack Handey Deep Thoughts
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"If your kid makes one of those little homemade guitars out of a cigar box and rubber bands, don't let him just play it once or t"
By Jack Handey Deep Thoughts
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"If I come back as an animal in my next lifetime, I hope it's some type of parasite, because this is the part where I take it EAS"
By Jack Handey Deep Thoughts
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"I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the"
By Jack Handey Deep Thoughts
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"Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your rights, even if you don't know what your rights are, or who the per"
By Jack Handey Deep Thoughts
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"Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someone's neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have"
By Jack Handey Deep Thoughts
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"When you go ice-skating, try not to swing your arms too much, because that really annoys me."
By Jack Handey Deep Thoughts
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"If you're a cowboy, and you're dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and the g"
By Jack Handey Deep Thoughts
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"If I ever do a book on the Amazon, I hope I am able to bring a certain lightheartedness to the subject, in a way that will tell"
By Jack Handey Deep Thoughts
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"If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep, and while you're in there some guys come and seal up both ends and t"
By Jack Handey Deep Thoughts
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"What is it that makes a complete stranger dive into an icy river to save a solid-gold baby Maybe we'll never know."
By Jack Handey Deep Thoughts
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"I think that a hat which has a little cannon that fires and then goes back inside the hat is at least a decade away."
By Jack Handey Deep Thoughts
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"If you're in a boxing match, try not to let the other guy's glove touch your lips, because you don't know where that glove has b"
By Jack Handey Deep Thoughts
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"I hope that after I die, people will say of me 'That guy sure owed me a lot of money.'"
By Jack Handey Deep Thoughts
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"If God dwells inside us, like some people say, I sure hope He likes enchiladas, because that's what He's getting"
By Jack Handey Deep Thoughts
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"If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think it's okay to feed some bits of your friend to one of the vu"
By Jack Handey Deep Thoughts
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"If I ever opened a trampoline store, I don't think I'd call it Trampo-Land, because you might think it was a store for tramps, w"
By Jack Handey Deep Thoughts
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"If you're an archaeologist, I bet it's real embarrassing to put together a skull from a bunch of ancient bone fragments, but the"
By Jack Handey Deep Thoughts
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"To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kinda scary. I've wondered where this started, and I think it goes back to the time"
By Jack Handey Deep Thoughts
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Random quotes


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"I opposed the Defense of Marriage Act in 1996. It should be repealed and I will vote for its repeal on the Senate floor. I will also oppose any proposal to amend the U.S. Constitution to ban gays and lesbians from marrying."

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"I don't oppose all wars. What I am opposed to is a dumb war. What I am opposed to is a rash war."

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"I cannot swallow whole the view of Lincoln as the Great Emancipator."

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"Focusing your life solely on making a buck shows a certain poverty of ambition. It asks too little of yourself. Because it's only when you hitch your wagon to something larger than yourself that you realize your true potential."

By Barack Obama

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